It's been two nights since I put my husband in jail. No, correct that, he put himself in jail, I just called 911.
I have thoughts swirling in my head- from numbness, to anger, to a small amount of tears. I don't have enough time for tears though because I'm being strong for my daughter. I'll fall apart later maybe, but now I'm in full "mama bear protect my family" mode. All I know is I don't have the strength, nor the grace to be a part of this marriage any longer.
I was going to just write a quick post on Facebook, but the end of a marriage requires more than a passing one liner. My estranged husband does not deserve the rent in my head at this moment, so I'm working through it one minute at a time, one phone call at a time. One final blog on this, the Becoming Crowell site, as I chose to unbecome Crowell. My mind takes me all over the place. I wake up in the wee hours and wonder who am I to be? Do I keep the name? Do I go back to my children's name? Do I go back to my childhood name? It's such an insignificant part of the process I'm currently going through, but it's a place where I have control in my future.
I don't have the grace to support the man I married at this juncture. I should fill in the blanks for those not understanding what I am talking about. Anyone that knows Bill, knows he can be one hell of a grumpy motherfucker... but conversely, he's got the biggest heart in the world for those he loves. I know he loves me and my daughter more in a minute than anyone else will in our lifetimes. Today, that love is not enough. Today our love and trust is shattered irrevocably. Today we are grieving the man we love... we're grieving for our friend and confidant. The man we knew would save us from evil. We grieve to a point that we're near broken. We are grieving because of HIS actions.
Sunday was a good day. We celebrated my step mothers 80th birthday. We brought my daughter home to celebrate her 20th birthday. We ate dinner and went to the firepit to enjoy a summer burn. While he made dinner, Cherie and I planned a quick girls get away for her birthday late August. This is something we've done for 2 decades. Something Bill has known if he's home, he comes... if he's working I still go. Our schedules are too crazy to plan everything together.
We all had a couple drinks. Went to the firepit. When Cherie left at 11:45... Bill started to get rude. Started to say I didn't love him. That I was nothing to him. Complained that I was going somewhere without him. He was going down a rabbit hole and I saw it coming. I got up and walked away from him to go inside the house. He started screaming "Fuck you, you fucking bitch".
I told him "I don't deserve this and you know it."
I went inside the house, locked the door and told Katie that Bill was going down a rabbit hole and beware. (Today, the fact that my family is used to his rabbit holes, is concerning me more - I never should have accepted the irate Mudgie in my life)... anyway, he comes to the kitchen door and is screaming to be allowed to come into the house. I open the door and tell him he can come in if he can be respectful. He walks by me with a "Fuck you, c*&t"... goes to our bedroom and slams the door shut. He comes back out a few minutes later, says a few more choice words and walks out the front door with a slam. I look at my daughter and say "Not tonight". Walk over to his house keys... go to the front door and do a softball toss of his housekeys (they land just after the porch in the grass) and say "When you're sober enough to find your keys you can come back inside and go to bed"... I close the door and lock it.
He immediately gets up from the rocker and punches his hand through one of the door window panes.... he's screaming "Fuck you bitch let me into my house, etc"... Katie opens the door and says "Bill!!! Stop. Calm DOWN!" He goes by her back to our bedroom screaming that I'm a slut and I'm cheating on him (not) and a few more choice words about me... He comes back out of the bedroom and I grab his shirt as he's walking into the kitchen... I said "BILL STOP!!! LOOK AT ME! STOP!"
He turns and says more choice words. I tell him to leave. He tells me it's his house and he won't. I tell him "Like hell it is! You've crossed the line. Get out!" He pushes me into the corner of the kitchen island. I go flying - arms flaying... I take some of Katie's apartment glasses with me as I land in a pile of shattered glass. I stand up with one hand bleeding. Katie comes around the corner and tries to joke "Bill don't break my shit"... but he goes back into the bedroom screaming shit about me. Katie is standing in the bedroom door frame... I say from the kitchen... "Bill if you don't stop I'm calling 911"... He says "Fuck you c(*t" and I give him one more warning and get one more lovely epithet thrown at me... I dial 911.
I tell the dispatcher the 411. I tell her I need my husband to be removed from the property. I'm standing in the kitchen in shattered glass with a bleeding hand watching my daughter try to calm Bill down from our bedroom door. The dispatcher asks if we have weapons in the house. I respond yes but that he's not in that mindframe to get them. She mentions that she's just protecting her officers. I agree 100% that they should be. I'm giving more information to her as he walks out of our bedroom and goes down the hall. I see a plastic bin shoved down the hall... then I hear Katie's voice change into a panicked squeak "Bill NO!!!!"
I say "Oh shit he's going for the guns" drop my phone and run down the hall. Katie and I wrestle with him to the kitchen door. He's got an AR-15 and 2 full ammo clips in his hands. I've got my hand on the rifle... Katie is screaming and wrenching the ammo out of his hands. It's down to me and him with the AR-15... He's still fighting me for it and I tell him "I want you out tonight. I do not want you to die tonight"... he has a moment of breakthrough sanity, lets go of the rifle and walks out kitchen door. I lock the door, run down the hall to Sandra in her bedroom, open the door, throw the rifle at her with a "Hide this shit, Bill lost his mind and the police are coming"... went running back to the kitchen hearing her in the bedroom saying "Don't give me a gun!!! What am I supposed to do with this? I don't touch guns!" I have the presence of mind to realize I just handed a black woman a gun with police coming and pray she'll forgive me later... I didn't want Bill to be able to come back into house and find it.
I find Katie sobbing in the kitchen. I grab her and hold her and have no memory of what I said to her... I realize the dispatcher is still probably on the phone and go look for it because the last thing she heard was "Oh god he's going for the guns"... I get on the phone and ask "Ma'am are you still there?" She responds yes and I tell her we disarmed my husband, he's outside and then give description of clothing, height, et al. I talk to her as I hold Katie in my arms. I see the flashing lights and know we're safe.
I meet the police at my kitchen door. I step outside to greet them (dogs are going crazy). Strangely, calmly, I give them details of what's happened so far. I don't know which way he's walked. I repeat that he's unarmed. I hear Katie's voice in kitchen again and turn to see Bill is in the house and walking towards the front door. I tell the police he's inside. One runs inside the other runs outside towards the front. The next thing I know Bill is calmly smoking on a rocker and spewing shit. Saying how I cut his hand. I tell the police to ask how the door window is broken... They turn and say "MA'AM!!!" I'm like I'll be a good girl and walk away. I head back inside the kitchen. They come a few minutes later. A second car has pulled up and another officer is on the porch. The two original officers join us in the kitchen (they've now made friends with the dogs) and they're repeating back the scene... the details... Katie and Sandra add to it as they can. They ask me what I want. I say "I want him removed from this property tonight and I want an EPO (Emergency Protective Order). Their eyebrows raise up in shock. I tell them I was a legal liason 30 years ago for a battered women's shelter. I KNOW what to ask. I just never thought I'd HAVE to ask. They tell me that my husband is going to be arrested for domestic violence. That he will be allowed to come back to the house once, with a police escort, for his personal items.
Katie, being a sweet daughter, tries to clean up the broken mess while the police are talking. They stop her and tell her a crime scene detective will be coming by shortly to take photos. They ask me if I want to go to the hospital. I tell them I've only got a small gash on my hand, that I'm fine. That I know that I'm full of adrenaline and if I wake up in pain I'll let them know.
By 1am photos are taken. The police are left. Sandra, Katie, Cherie (I called her back over) and I are all in the kitchen in shock. I say that we all need to sit and debrief. No one is going to sleep anytime soon. We were up til 5am talking. When I stood up to go to bed I realized that my left leg was injured. I sent an email to the sheriff to let him know. When I woke up at 10am - 5 hours later, I couldn't move my leg. I spent the morning in urgent care and the afternoon working on a restraining order.
In the mean time, Cherie had called her church to get me help. One couple came and repaired the front door. Two young gentlemen came and finished loading the dumpster that we had ordered. I am completely humbled by these strangers. I owe the Mormon Church a debt I can not repay. I am safe in my home.
Sandra took us out to dinner. I can't thank her enough for that simple kindness because I didn't have a cohesive thought enough to cook a meal.
The few friends that I told have been texting and checking on me every few hours.
I have a restraining order. Bill was served it today in jail. I must go to court soon to make it permanent. Bill is going on 48 hours in jail. He's yet to find someone who will post his bail. I refuse to do it. His actions have consequences. I will never get over the sight of my daughter and I wrestling him over an AR-15. This is something that will haunt us both for years to come. Yes, we are both planning on getting therapy soon.
While I'd love to take all of his possessions, put them in the firepit and light a match (ala Waiting To Exhale), I can't. I have to let the legal system work. As soon as I get my daughter on a plane to see her BFF, I'll be calling a victim's advocacy group and learn the system that I suddenly find myself thrust into.
We have been victimized, but I REFUSE to call myself a victim. I didn't need him in my life, I CHOSE him as a partner. His mental illness has removed himself out of that partnership equation. I find that I do not have the grace within me to be a Crowell any longer.
This blog will be closed after this post.
#choosejoy #choosefamily #choosetoloveme
Every nine seconds. It’s a sobering reality for one in four women in the U.S. will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, most frequently by someone they know. Get help. You are not alone. There are hotlines in every state.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight, while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint
And I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fucking hates me and I love it, wait
Where you going, I'm leaving you, no you ain't
Come back, we're running right back here we go again
It's so insane, 'cause when it's going good it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed
I snapped "who's that dude?", I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much, you can barely breathe when you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feelin', yeah them chills used to get 'em
Now you're gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You'd swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each others' face, spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push pull each others' hair, scratch claw bit 'em
Throw 'em down pin 'em, so lost in them moments when you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over, it controls ya both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways, guess that they don't know ya
'Cause today, that was yesterday, yesterday is over
It's a different day, sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her, next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again, now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
Then we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
But when it comes to love, you're just as blinded, baby please
Come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall
Next time, there will be no next time, I apologize
Even though I know it's lies, I'm tired of the games
I just want her back, I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie"
Eminem & Rhianna
