I Love The Way You Lie

It's been two nights since I put my husband in jail.  No, correct that, he put himself in jail, I just called 911.

I have thoughts swirling in my head- from numbness, to anger, to a small amount of tears.  I don't have enough time for tears though because I'm being strong for my daughter.  I'll fall apart later maybe, but now I'm in full "mama bear protect my family" mode.  All I know is I don't have the strength, nor the grace to be a part of this marriage any longer.

I was going to just write a quick post on Facebook, but the end of a marriage requires more than a passing one liner.  My estranged husband does not deserve the rent in my head at this moment, so I'm working through it one minute at a time, one phone call at a time.  One final blog on this, the Becoming Crowell site, as I chose to unbecome Crowell.  My mind takes me all over the place.  I wake up in the wee hours and wonder who am I to be?  Do I keep the name?  Do I go back to my children's name?  Do I go back to my childhood name?  It's such an insignificant part of the process I'm currently going through, but it's a place where I have control in my future.

I don't have the grace to support the man I married at this juncture.  I should fill in the blanks for those not understanding what I am talking about.  Anyone that knows Bill, knows he can be one hell of a grumpy motherfucker... but conversely, he's got the biggest heart in the world for those he loves.  I know he loves me and my daughter more in a minute than anyone else will in our lifetimes.  Today, that love is not enough.  Today our love and trust is shattered irrevocably.  Today we are grieving the man we love... we're grieving for our friend and confidant.  The man we knew would save us from evil.  We grieve to a point that we're near broken.  We are grieving because of HIS actions.

Sunday was a good day.  We celebrated my step mothers 80th birthday.  We brought my daughter home to celebrate her 20th birthday.  We ate dinner and went to the firepit to enjoy a summer burn.  While he made dinner, Cherie and I planned a quick girls get away for her birthday late August.  This is something we've done for 2 decades.  Something Bill has known if he's home, he comes... if he's working I still go.  Our schedules are too crazy to plan everything together.  

We all had a couple drinks.  Went to the firepit.  When Cherie left at 11:45... Bill started to get rude.  Started to say I didn't love him.  That I was nothing to him.  Complained that I was going somewhere without him.  He was going down a rabbit hole and I saw it coming.  I got up and walked away from him to go inside the house.  He started screaming "Fuck you, you fucking bitch".  

I told him "I don't deserve this and you know it."  

I went inside the house, locked the door and told Katie that Bill was going down a rabbit hole and beware.  (Today, the fact that my family is used to his rabbit holes, is concerning me more - I never should have accepted the irate Mudgie in my life)...  anyway, he comes to the kitchen door and is screaming to be allowed to come into the house.  I open the door and tell him he can come in if he can be respectful.  He walks by me with a "Fuck you, c*&t"... goes to our bedroom and slams the door shut.  He comes back out a few minutes later, says a few more choice words and walks out the front door with a slam.  I look at my daughter and say "Not tonight".  Walk over to his house keys... go to the front door and do a softball toss of his housekeys (they land just after the porch in the grass) and say "When you're sober enough to find your keys you can come back inside and go to bed"... I close the door and lock it.

He immediately gets up from the rocker and punches his hand through one of the door window panes.... he's screaming "Fuck you bitch let me into my house, etc"...  Katie opens the door and says "Bill!!!  Stop.  Calm DOWN!"  He goes by her back to our bedroom screaming that I'm a slut and I'm cheating on him (not) and a few more choice words about me...  He comes back out of the bedroom and I grab his shirt as he's walking into the kitchen... I said "BILL STOP!!!  LOOK AT ME!  STOP!"

He turns and says more choice words.  I tell him to leave.  He tells me it's his house and he won't.  I tell him "Like hell it is!  You've crossed the line.  Get out!"  He pushes me into the corner of the kitchen island.  I go flying - arms flaying... I take some of Katie's apartment glasses with me as I land in a pile of shattered glass.  I stand up with one hand bleeding.  Katie comes around the corner and tries to joke "Bill don't break my shit"... but he goes back into the bedroom screaming shit about me.  Katie is standing in the bedroom door frame... I say from the kitchen... "Bill if you don't stop I'm calling 911"...  He says "Fuck you c(*t" and I give him one more warning and get one more lovely epithet thrown at me... I dial 911.

I tell the dispatcher the 411.  I tell her I need my husband to be removed from the property.  I'm standing in the kitchen in shattered glass with a bleeding hand watching my daughter try to calm Bill down from our bedroom door.  The dispatcher asks if we have weapons in the house.  I respond yes but that he's not in that mindframe to get them.  She mentions that she's just protecting her officers.  I agree 100% that they should be.  I'm giving more information to her as he walks out of our bedroom and goes down the hall.  I see a plastic bin shoved down the hall... then I hear Katie's voice change into a panicked squeak "Bill NO!!!!"

I say "Oh shit he's going for the guns" drop my phone and run down the hall.  Katie and I wrestle with him to the kitchen door.  He's got an AR-15 and 2 full ammo clips in his hands.  I've got my hand on the rifle... Katie is screaming and wrenching the ammo out of his hands.  It's down to me and him with the AR-15... He's still fighting me for it and I tell him "I want you out tonight.  I do not want you to die tonight"...  he has a moment of breakthrough sanity, lets go of the rifle and walks out kitchen door.  I lock the door, run down the hall to Sandra in her bedroom, open the door, throw the rifle at her with a "Hide this shit, Bill lost his mind and the police are coming"... went running back to the kitchen hearing her in the bedroom saying "Don't give me a gun!!!  What am I supposed to do with this?  I don't touch guns!"  I have the presence of mind to realize I just handed a black woman a gun with police coming and pray she'll forgive me later...  I didn't want Bill to be able to come back into house and find it.

I find Katie sobbing in the kitchen.  I grab her and hold her and have no memory of what I said to her... I realize the dispatcher is still probably on the phone and go look for it because the last thing she heard was "Oh god he's going for the guns"... I get on the phone and ask "Ma'am are you still there?"  She responds yes and I tell her we disarmed my husband, he's outside and then give description of clothing, height, et al.  I talk to her as I hold Katie in my arms.  I see the flashing lights and know we're safe.

I meet the police at my kitchen door.  I step outside to greet them (dogs are going crazy).  Strangely, calmly, I give them details of what's happened so far.  I don't know which way he's walked.  I repeat that he's unarmed.  I hear Katie's voice in kitchen again and turn to see Bill is in the house and walking towards the front door.  I tell the police he's inside.  One runs inside the other runs outside towards the front.  The next thing I know Bill is calmly smoking on a rocker and spewing shit.  Saying how I cut his hand.  I tell the police to ask how the door window is broken... They turn and say "MA'AM!!!"  I'm like I'll be a good girl and walk away.  I head back inside the kitchen.  They come a few minutes later.  A second car has pulled up and another officer is on the porch.  The two original officers join us in the kitchen (they've now made friends with the dogs) and they're repeating back the scene... the details... Katie and Sandra add to it as they can.  They ask me what I want.  I say "I want him removed from this property tonight and I want an EPO (Emergency Protective Order).  Their eyebrows raise up in shock.  I tell them I was a legal liason 30 years ago for a battered women's shelter.  I KNOW what to ask.  I just never thought I'd HAVE to ask.  They tell me that my husband is going to be arrested for domestic violence.  That he will be allowed to come back to the house once, with a police escort, for his personal items.  

Katie, being a sweet daughter, tries to clean up the broken mess while the police are talking.  They stop her and tell her a crime scene detective will be coming by shortly to take photos.  They ask me if I want to go to the hospital.  I tell them I've only got a small gash on my hand, that I'm fine.  That I know that I'm full of adrenaline and if I wake up in pain I'll let them know.

By 1am photos are taken.  The police are left.  Sandra, Katie, Cherie (I called her back over) and I are all in the kitchen in shock.  I say that we all need to sit and debrief.  No one is going to sleep anytime soon.  We were up til 5am talking.  When I stood up to go to bed I realized that my left leg was injured.  I sent an email to the sheriff to let him know.  When I woke up at 10am - 5 hours later, I couldn't move my leg.  I spent the morning in urgent care and the afternoon working on a restraining order.

In the mean time, Cherie had called her church to get me help.  One couple came and repaired the front door.  Two young gentlemen came and finished loading the dumpster that we had ordered.  I am completely humbled by these strangers.  I owe the Mormon Church a debt I can not repay.  I am safe in my home.

Sandra took us out to dinner.  I can't thank her enough for that simple kindness because I didn't have a cohesive thought enough to cook a meal.

The few friends that I told have been texting and checking on me every few hours. 

Today, Katie's 20th birthday, I refused to talk about this event in front of her.  It needed to be her day.  It was still marred.  Our grief is palatable.  Her comment this morning says it all "I haven't cried yet today, so I guess it's good".

I have a restraining order.  Bill was served it today in jail.  I must go to court soon to make it permanent.  Bill is going on 48 hours in jail.  He's yet to find someone who will post his bail.  I refuse to do it.  His actions have consequences.  I will never get over the sight of my daughter and I wrestling him over an AR-15.  This is something that will haunt us both for years to come.  Yes, we are both planning on getting therapy soon.

While I'd love to take all of his possessions, put them in the firepit and light a match (ala Waiting To Exhale), I can't.  I have to let the legal system work.  As soon as I get my daughter on a plane to see her BFF, I'll be calling a victim's advocacy group and learn the system that I suddenly find myself thrust into.

We have been victimized, but I REFUSE to call myself a victim.  I didn't need him in my life, I CHOSE him as a partner.  His mental illness has removed himself out of that partnership equation.  I find that I do not have the grace within me to be a Crowell any longer.  

This blog will be closed after this post.  

#choosejoy #choosefamily #choosetoloveme

Every nine seconds. It’s a sobering reality for one in four women in the U.S. will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, most frequently by someone they know.  Get help.  You are not alone.  There are hotlines in every state.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight, while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint
And I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fucking hates me and I love it, wait
Where you going, I'm leaving you, no you ain't
Come back, we're running right back here we go again
It's so insane, 'cause when it's going good it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed
I snapped "who's that dude?", I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much, you can barely breathe when you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feelin', yeah them chills used to get 'em
Now you're gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You'd swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each others' face, spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push pull each others' hair, scratch claw bit 'em
Throw 'em down pin 'em, so lost in them moments when you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over, it controls ya both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways, guess that they don't know ya
'Cause today, that was yesterday, yesterday is over
It's a different day, sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her, next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again, now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
Then we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
But when it comes to love, you're just as blinded, baby please
Come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall
Next time, there will be no next time, I apologize
Even though I know it's lies, I'm tired of the games
I just want her back, I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie"

Eminem & Rhianna

Vision Without Action is a Daydream, Action Without Vision is a Nightmare (Setting Goals in 2019 Part 3)

I had a dream.... to one day find an old house and fix it up.  I love finding old abandoned items to return back to their glory... that was the basis of the antique business my hub and I were doing right?  I figured that one day AFTER my kids were out of our home, I'd find THE house and just go to town fixing it up.  When my bestie told us about the property next to hers being for sale a year BEFORE my mental timeline... I figured I'd look to make HER happy because I had no intentions of buying now... but mid way through the walk through I felt the internal "click".. the house felt like home.  I may have to blame my mother for that because the layout is similar in front to hers in Half Moon Bay.... but either way... I was on the phone with the bank trying to see if I could afford a second house for a year.  I could and I bought the house with my husbands blessing... remodeling a house was something he wanted to do too... He's good with his hands.

Today we're a year into the renovations.  We're finally putting the building back together again.  We're doing more than we thought we would to start... some things we thought we could put off for a couple of years.. like the roof... and it's turning out that we need to bite the bullet and just do it now.  Finances are getting tight and there are days I just have to breathe to not panic.  I need the house done by July... maybe October... When I think about what it will look like when it's finished, I find my inner zen...  but then I open my eyes and see the open walls and start tallying the budget that is always running in my brain like a stock market ticker and I need to breathe again.  I highly recommend Lamaze for anyone in this process.

The hardest part about doing this renovation is the distance between the old and new houses.  It's a 90 minute drive to the farm, thus my hub stays at my friends house when he's working there to be able to use the 3 hours he would have done commuting.  I can't stay there all the time as my daughter is still home and we have fur babies that need to be taken care of.  Thus our already minimal time we have together because of our careers is now almost non existent.  I'm not going to lie, it's caused a few arguments.  Truly our date nights now consist of going to Lowes and me being on the farm working in the garden while he bangs and swears in the house...  I've told him we just need to keep pushing through... the end IS in sight.  We just have to get to the end, so that we can move there and be in ONE home, while we do part two of the renovations.  It WILL be easier then.  Until then... he has to soldier on down there, while I take care of animals, kids and work on getting our current house ready to sell.  It's a monstrous project that we will survive but I would not suggest anyone with weaker genes to take on.

I've been working through my head on things to do to help relationship build when this is over... Don't get me wrong, we've done fun things in the past year, like Italy for two weeks... but it's easy to forget those when you're back in the midst of sawdust and paint.  I may have to swing a weekend up in Virginia while he's working during the summer... give him a break from traveling in between gigs... maybe head to our favorite salvage place there... or go to the wine country that we visited last year... We both need a bit of peace... but what I think we'll do when we've moved into the farm, this house has sold... and the addition built... is head to Chacala again... where we don't do phones or internet... where we wake up to roosters... and we found peace on our honeymoon...  Maybe both make sense... Maybe more... We met in Richmond... a beginning... and our honeymoon was another beginning... and the farm is another beginning...

It'll work out... especially after... when Bill has a barn he can scream in to his hearts content... no HOA complaints... out of his wife's earshot...  Focus on all that Bill... we'll get there... it's a short term pain in the ass but our future there will be fabulous...  xoxo

A Goal Without A Plan is Only A Dream (Setting Goals in 2019 Part 2)

In my previous post I spoke of how looking for a suit to interview in set my goal of losing weight... both for my own self esteem and to feel confident in a suit WHILE interviewing... Selling yourself is all about confidence...

While I didn't get the position I wanted, I was successful in getting the key players to know who I am, and what I'm looking for.  I know I came in second place... so I'm pretty positive if I bide my time, another role will come up that will excite me just as much, and they'll be ready.  That said, in reaching for that role, I realized I'm open to clipping my wings and changing my career.  It left me wondering... what's next???

In comes one of my closest friends and her change of career... she's just sent her new book to an editor, and is beginning 9 week coaching sessions based on her book... topic???   How to reach the Next Level... and rise higher in your career...  Serendipity???  You bet!!!  I signed right up for the first class.  We're on week two and it's really got me thinking about who I am and what road map I need to take to get me to where I want to be.  I'll expound upon that shortly, but before I get there... Here's a quick link to her business page.... http://sonyasigler.com/coaching/  she's still getting it completely up and running so forgive any bugs you may find... I'll give you more information in the upcoming weeks, especially when her book finally goes to print.

One of Sonya's questions was about what your dream job was as a child?  Did you follow it?  What did you see versus who you are now?  What do you need to achieve that dream and what do you not like about your current job?  I'm in that childhood dream job now.  I still have my United Jr Flight Attendant badge.  I wanted to fly when I was 12.  I really don't hate anything about the job - I only miss the previous family I had... those of us that escaped a dying company are still trying to figure out who we are in our new companies and whether or not we can find new families there.  So for me it's really about finding a way to cover the delta of money lost when child support ends in  July.  Do I finally figure out how to use my Masters Degree now that I'm about to become an empty nester or is there something I can do in conjunction with the career I have loved for over a decade?

This 9 week program should help me find clarity on which path to take... I know my non negotiables in my life are NO Drama and NO Pettiness...  as well as stability and inner harmony.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Additionally the things I value most are Integrity/Honesty/Authenticity, Loyalty, Justice and Humor/Happiness.  I spend most of my spare time either blogging, gardening, traveling or junking.  From this I see two directions... and it doesn't mean I only have to take one path... I can:

1)  Use my BA (Non Profit Management) and Masters (Union Management) and find an organization that I can lobby and fight for.  I don't see it being Union per se but a non profit like Jobs For Justice or such where I can be an advocate without inside politics.  Appreciated for what I do.  I just need to road map what sort of place I COULD fight for... In my 20's it was domestic violence.  Today.. it's an open book... but I know for me to be great in that position, I'd have to BELIEVE in it... I am authentic to the core.

OR...

2)  Continue flying but attempt to make up the difference doing the things I love to do during my days off.  When I was immersed in the exercise and saw Junking, Blogging, Gardening & Traveling in large writing, it occurred to me that I might actually be able to make money doing what I love.  Thus, please forgive me, but I'm starting yet another blog for just this purpose.  I've spent the day designing the blog and coming up with the first week or so's topics.  It's going to be a blog on where to find treasures around the country and world.  In writing it, I'm also hoping to start checking off bucket lists of antique shows, and flea markets across the world.  I'll post it to my Facebook page when it's ready, with a please share.  If there's places you'd love to hear about, I'd love suggestions... and if you want to join on some of these excursions... let me know... the more the merrier.

So... do I know what's next?  Nope... But I'm standing next to Monty Hall and I'm ready to make a deal... as soon as I finish a few more coaching sessions with Sonya...  :)  Wish me luck on whatever venture(s) I chase.

I Don't Know The Way But I'll Be There Soon... (Setting Goals in 2019 Part 1)

It's been a while since I've turned to THIS blog... for those who don't know me well, I have a few... one for gardening, one for my junkin/renovating lifestyle... and this... for my family life...  I've spent a lot of time on our home renovations this past year but lately I've felt the need to focus also on the renovation of me.  Don't get me wrong... I'm not changing my heart - the core of who I am... I'm pretty ok with who I've become internally...  there's just a few things that I need to tweak this year...

2007

Today's goal topic:  Losing Weight or Reducing Some of the Crowell I've Become lol...

12 years ago, when I was going through my divorce with my kids dad, I was a stay at home mom who had the financial ability to get a personal trainer and the emotions to eat almost nothing.  I resumed the running that I did in my teens/20's and, at 40, was in the best shape I'd been in my life.  Divorce diets are amazing! (I'm not willing to do that again)  I modeled for fun... ran races every month... got a belly button piercing (you could SEE my belly button)... and looked amazing.  By the time the divorce was through, I was happier than I'd been in a long time.  Lost the personal trainer... but kept running... running was my therapy...  I ran through happiness and sadness... anger and triumphs... I worked out issues as I ran, and as an added benefit it kept me thin...

2016

During the months and years that followed I discovered myself - my strengths, weaknesses, and needs as a single woman, which is something everyone should do before marriage but few ever do... and when I finally met my husband I was ready for the "click" that said THIS man was the missing link... who fit into the life I had made and with whom I had become in that decade... I found myself not needing the long runs but needing the rare times we spent together... junkin, creating and eating amazing meals on our kitchen patio.  I'd found peace in my life.  Sidebar - those of you that know my hub... YES that crazy, grumpy, high energy Tasmanian devil CAN be peaceful... at times...

What I also found in these 5 years was more than a few pounds...  I laughed my way out of a size 4... which really isn't healthy for my height and body type anyway...  and then started feeling a bit guilty as my 6's started getting tight... I've been an 8 for the past 2 years... pushing a 10.  I've been joking about being fat and happy... until I decided it was time to change my job... and I went to try on suits... Gone were the days that I could walk in, put clothes on and have them "just fit"... I was having a Cathy moment with each suit and my ego deflated rapidly.  By Lent this year I decided it was time... time to stop laughing and stop looking at myself with less love.  I don't want to be 126 and a size 4 again... I just want my 6's back... and comfortably so.

3/6/2019 27.5 BMI

Have you looked at your weight and height BMI??? I did the moment I decided a change was coming... it's lovely to have a computer tell you what you know... that you're overweight.  I'm pretty positive I dropped an f bomb at my phone... then I did two things... started recording what I was eating... and last week I signed up with a program though my work...  online coaching sessions.... my first 1-1 is today.  I don't know if it will help... I just need accountability if I start to fall off this new wagon I'm on.  On March 6th I gave myself an attainable and more importantly a maintainable goal...  and I'm heading for it.  In 3 weeks I've lost 10 pounds.  The first week I didn't drink alcohol at all.  Now I'm allowing myself a glass a day... unless I'm with friends and then I allow myself to have a good time without guilt... I've pretty much stopped the junk food... except when I'm working Tuesdays... because everyone needs Donut Tuesdays...  I'm eating smarter... and I'm not starving... I haven't had pizza or a hamburger in 3 weeks... and I'll live...

As of today I'm 5 pounds away from the BMI telling me I'm healthy... 15 pounds away from 6's being comfortable... and 20 pounds away from the goal.  As of today, I still have no desire to start running again... my hip wasn't loving it by the time I quit... but recording that food... Keeps me on track... and I'm happy with the results so far... ooohhhh... and that hub of mine gets a big gold star 🌟... when I told him I was doing this... he said "you're doing this for YOU right???"  He loves me thinner or thicker... and wanted to make sure I knew I didn't need to do this. 💓💓💓

I'll update y'all on my Lenten success on Easter (April 21st)... and when I reach the 20 pound mark, I'll post a picture... keeping it honest and real... because again... I need accountability... :)

Stay tuned for Part 2 of 2019 Goals....

Introspections

Last week Bill and I spent an amazing time with my parents on a cruise around the islands listening to extremely talented Jazz performers and just enjoying some down time together in our normally hectic lives.  This week we've both tiptoed back to work but still have been able to see each other daily... It's a gift and we know it.

Today I've been struggling... I've been reminded throughout the week how tenuous our blessings are...  From the coworker I flew with yesterday whose 30 year old daughter was killed in China while she was doing what she loved to do... teach...  how her mother seven months later is still struggling to find a new normal... a loss I can't even begin to imagine...  My words of comfort seemed hollow as I searched for anything that I could say to help her get through just one day...  she mentioned she was looking for a way to honor her... to hold onto her... and mentioned a scholarship... I suggested she reach out to the organizations that send teachers abroad and help pay for tickets for those that could normally not afford to get there... help other young people follow her daughters dreams... She turned and looked at me with a spark in her eyes... and said "I LOVE that."

To a friend/acquaintance who suddenly lost her husband of 21 years on her birthday, their anniversary and Valentines day...  I sat dumbfounded in a chair as I took in exactly how bad this previously golden week will be for her from this point on.   It's another loss I can't comprehend... 51... too young.  I don't know what, if anything I can do for her... other than pray.

To my hopefully final dose of the reality of life... the discovery that another friend has cancer... I drove by her this week... I thought it was her but she didn't have hair... so I thought maybe it was my imagination... but I chewed on it and started asking around... no one else knew either... so someone closer to her called and confirmed what I thought I saw... and I'm scared and devastated... my heart hurts... this proud, strong and beautiful woman... I've been trying to think of what to say/do to help... I'm still praying on that answer... but I will be reaching out to her next week... as I'm reaching out to others to see if they want to help too...  it takes a village... and I've been in her shoes...

I found out exactly how sick she was as I was driving to pick up Bill last night... and I cried as I waited for him.  When he got to the car I told him the answer... and I quietly said "This was a very good week for you to quit smoking..."

I have been close to tears most of today.  Looking deep within for answers for them... for myself and for life in general.  The answer I came up with for ME... is this is all a reminder of how fragile life is.  I learned with my own cancer years ago that each day is a gift... one to be cherished as much as you can... to let go of the small stuff and to appreciate the blessings around me...

and I do... from the roof over my head... to my fur babies... to my cherished girlfriends... sisters of my heart... to my children who fill me with wonder daily... to my husband... who gave me the best valentines gift ever by quitting smoking... and potentially giving me a lot longer life to look forward with him...  I love all of you... Thank you for being my lifes blood.

Pray.

I AM Crowell... and 2016... ya didn't suck too hard

Ok... I haven't written in a gazillion days... 2016 has been crazy... and before I say how fabulous it was... I do have to put a disclaimer out that yes... it truly sucked that all my Hollywood and musical icons of my childhood/early adult years seemed to choose this year to exit to an alternate universe to party.  I do not approve of that message and truly hope that 2017 sees Phil Collins, Tom Petty, Chaka Khan, George Clooney and Denzel Washington healthy throughout the year...  Betty White and Keith Richards will survive forever so I worry not for them... but alas... I ventured off my disclaimer... The only major part of 2016 that will truly affect me and my loved ones: is somehow just short of half of America believed that a great orange tweeting Cheetoh is the best person for our Commander and Chief and placed him in office... My prayers for 2017-20 is that we see 2021 without a nuclear war or any other major fight on any of the major international players soil.  If you're reading this and you're PRO Cheetoh... don't you dare comment about his royal orangeness here or on my Facebook page where I'll share... because 2017 I will be culling down my Facebook page to ensure it's all about peace and harmony... I am a Libra after all...

Now... for me... when I look back at 2016 and my personal life... I look at true happiness, friendship, loyalty, accomplishment and pretty much everything being right in MY world.  My job is the best job for me at this time in my life... it provides me with the most time with my kids... ability to travel everywhere.. and I have been working for 3 years with the best work wife ever... she was one of the 4 people I chose to be by my side when Bill and I married... she nearly made both of us cry when it was time for her to walk down my aisle... but I sang her through it with a "to the window, to the wall, til the sweat..." and she sang and laughed with me as she passed under the arch towards the tent I was married under.... she's on medical leave now and I'm tapping my foot in impatience waiting for her to get healthy again.  2017 will be HER year... Love you boo....  working in 2017 will suck without you...

I became Crowell... after two amazing women took me to Santa Barbara for the weekend.  My besties and my life's blood... who ensured that everything leading up to my wedding was everything it should be and more.  I can post a thousand pictures here but I'll post one now... as they're woven in and out of my life throughout the year...

Our wedding we couldn't have asked for anything more... the weather... the people who came and were involved...  Sharing my kids happiness and ours with the people we love most in the world... in our back yard... we just can't say enough about the day.  It truly was one of the most special, important, appreciated and loved days of both of our lives.  We know we are blessed and we count our blessings in each one of you.... and in us too...

Shortly after the wedding we ran up to Richmond for an after party... then to Amherst, Massachusetts for my Masters Degree commencement.  Ya get a Masters...  you'd better walk... crawl and enjoy every moment of your achievement... I know I did... It was on my bucket list... and I came, saw and conquered... with my favorite crazy red head again by my side... and, of course, we found the time to join a friends picket line and fight for the rights of employees/workers...  Don't piss off a UMass Grad by the way... they tried to shut down our program... and our Alums rallied and showed them we learned and surpassed their expectations as a labor force.  We love our fellow alumni and are proud.

Bill and I were finally able to take time to wind down post wedding preparations and party... and enjoy our honeymoon in Chacala, Mexico thanks to my aunt who gave us her house for our honeymoon... we loved Chacala soooo very much and can't wait to escape to it again.  Bill keeps threatening to move there... In time my love, in time....

We've done California 5 times this year... 4 planned, 1 unplanned... we've had a post wedding gathering... fun with my mom... and some scary shizzle with her too (grateful for her health)... we've gone to beaches and baked cookies... with and without kids...  We've counted the blessings in every trip we've had because we've had time with friends and family... and we know how lucky we are to have this time.

The kids have been fabulous all year... from traveling all over the US... to submitting college applications (CJ)... to performing in marching band competitions in GA and DC (Katie)... they've left us both so proud our hearts sing.  It's really been a crazy fun year for all of us.

We have had visitors outside of the wedding weeks... Ava came down in the summer... and so did my mom to christen our new beloved back yard patio escape to paradise...  Our house has revolving doors... there's always room for one more... always an extra bed or plate for dinner.  It's what makes a house a home... love from family and friends....

I think I need to take more than a one liner to describe what our new backyard kitchen means to us.  It really is an escape.  We cook out here more often than not when we are home... and now that the chill of fall/winter has come we sit with our feet to the fire in our fireplace... with a drink in our hand... cuddled together reading whatever and enjoying our quiet time... it's a relationship builder that patio.  Quiet without animals... although Tootsie always wants to be at our feet out there...  When you can't escape to Tahiti... you escape to the crackle of a warm fire... the smell sending me to my childhood... I can not thank those that had a part in this enough.

I can't be thankful enough that all my parental units still breathe... We're celebrating Corrie's bday belatedly in February of 2017 because I just couldn't do ONE MORE TRIP in 2016... How blessed can I be to say that I just couldn't do one more trip???  So many can't do just one...  Corrie celebrated her 75th this year... with Katie's bday the day after... the love and affection from Oma encompasses us all...

Bill and I have done... California, Richmond, Washington DC and Puerto Vallarta this year... that's soooo much but really it's more...  Friends... sight seeing... Bryan Ferry... Shawn Mullins... Honeymoon... Family...  Willie Nelson... (well Bill didn't go there with me... he worked it and we crashed it but that counts right???)

We've done special food outings like fondue for the kids... they LOVE going out for fondue...  and when Gramma comes to town we can usually make it happen.

I cant say how much I'm amazed by my kids by the way... they're beautiful and brilliant and wonderful human beings and I'm proud at the young adults they are becoming.

So... here's some final pictures of my family travels... from time with the kids... to hugging my grandmothers redwood trees... to junking in Alameda... our year has been... FULL... and I really can't complain.

We came into the holiday/birthday season... I am reminded how blessed I am for my husband to have the relationship he has with my daughter.  She worships the ground he walks on and he adores her like she's his own.  Their connection is obvious in every day interactions and I'm sooo grateful.

And as I started the year with my closest girlfriends celebrating my choice to become Crowell,,.  I ended the year with these two beautiful human beings celebrating my 50th... in Copenhagen...  I love Europe... and traveling with these two never grows old.

And... my "wife", my hub and I got one last trip into 2016... visiting his family and friends in between Christmas and New Years...  It's always fun going to the Lipfords... laughter, food and drinks for days...

I am... Crowell and I wouldn't chose to be anything other... 2016... ya didn't suck for me... and it didn't suck for my Mudgie... so don't let him grumble about it... you know he'll try... just pat him on the back and tell him to suck up the happiness and get over it... Our lives are good.  From our house to yours... Happy 2017!