Buddha Belly Love

This morning I went for my dress fitting.  As I was getting ready to head out the door, I thought about my mental struggle to start a diet two months ago so that I could be fit and fabulous for the wedding day.  After two weeks I'd lost 5 pounds.. only to gain 3 back and then lose 2... and then I stopped dieting... and my body continued to fluctuate with those 3 pounds.. and I said screw it.  This is who I am.  He didn't meet Heather at 40 and 25 pounds less... Well he did meet me 12 pounds less but who is squabbling over the difference???  My dress is forgiving for the most part... so I grabbed a cookie to go with my coffee and I headed out the door.

Today I thought about the original plan to loose 20.  Where that stemmed from... and I went WAYYYYY back....

~  Childhood...  I remember Mariam Ali laughing at my stomach when I was in a bikini at oohhh 8?  I remember shrugging and slouching a bit more and comparing my tummy to a double cheeseburger- the rolls were the two buns and two patties.  I never had the washboard stomach as a child.  Wasn't fat... just built differently.

~  My 20's... my first husband used to always complain when I gained weight... Mind you at that point in my life I was 5'7 and 128-134 pounds... SKINNY.  He'd tell me if we had kids I had to lose the weight immediately...  He'd say this shizzle in front of his friends to the point where I finally told him to fuck off one night... and I joined a gym... Got super skinny.... 124... and walked out the door letting him see my skinny no ass self leave.

~  My 30's were all about babies... I remember laughing when I hit the scale at 194 pregnant...  After babies I stayed consistently a size 8... and I was a mommy...  there's no glam or glory to that shizzle but being a parent gives you a different perspective on life...

Cancer also gives you a different perspective on life too... It changed me.  I didn't have the rest of my life to change.  My kids dad and I sucked at being married.  I don't blame either of us.  We are two totally different people.  At the end of that marriage I spent a lot of time with a personal trainer and running to get away from the demons I was facing with the collapse of a second marriage.  I lost tons of weight... Got down to my 20's weight with lil 6 pack abs...  Got the tattoo and the belly piercing I'd always wanted... Mid life crisis much?  I was a size 4 for the first time in my life and loving being super skinny.  I continued to run well into my 40s...  and only slowed down after I injured myself running a half marathon.

~  The relationship I was in during my 40's also was with someone who wanted me super skinny.  Granted he met me during the 6 pack ab stage... and he watched the abs slowly disappear.  I couldn't afford a personal trainer anymore... and I didn't really have THAT kind of time since I was working again... Running helps keep weight off but it doesn't keep your abs tight...  He would push me to run more... and make comments about my weight from time to time... I was 138-142...  and I was looking at buying size 6s....

Flash forward to today... a man who met me and loved all of me...  I discovered the joy of cooking again and he's showing joy eating for us... I've obviously topped off at where I'm going to be on the scale if I'm going to cook and eat the way we have for the past year... and I'm coming to grips that I have zero shits to give... or not enough shits to get my running shoes on and run 3-5 miles a day again... I'd rather put my boots on... grab a donut and go junking with my Mudgie... and he's perfectly happy to do the same.  We're happy...

It comes down to this... I have spent the better part of 49 years trying to be a glam queen... I want to spend whatever time I have left doing what I enjoy and eating what I want (in moderation- I say that only because if I want pizza I only want a slice or two not a whole pizza...).   So with that said... I've ordered my "fat" uniform... I'll be wearing 8's again... and while I call it my "fat" uniform, I know it's not even fat.  I know from here on out... my abs will be MIA... and I'll be...  HAPPY.  So pass me another cookie Bill... I love you for loving ALL of me...  There's no point to me being miserable eating rabbit food for two months... only to gain it back shortly after the wedding... there's some kind of false advertising for me to be fit that day and never again... I'll be walking down the aisle exactly how you're getting me... and we'll both be happy.

... and since Kim K thinks it's "empowering" to show her naked self...  haters gonna hate... here's Mr Mudgie and Mrs (to be) and our matching happy Buddha bellies...

For the Love of Old Wood

A woman I love dearly sweetly kicked me in the shin this morning and told me it was time I updated the blog.  We've been so crazy busy getting wedding plans organized and executed.  However... any one that knows us, knows that we can make plans for the day and then see a squirrel - a bulldozed home... an estate sale... a log on the side of the road... and our focus changes to rescue and reclaim.  The good news is we've done a lot for the wedding these past couple of weeks and are focusing now on finishing the items that we are forging with our own hands.

Bill is bloody amazing with old wood.  He always smiles and says that he loves that I like his old wood... but that's another story altogether...  He looks at what I would say is a stump and he sees something that can be stripped, sanded and stained into a piece of beauty.  He rescued these hand hewed steps from a building that is about to be bulldozed.  He's been holding onto them and waiting for a moment when they would call to him and say what needed to be done.  He didn't want to destroy the waves from the side... the years of curing... the age... the serious craftsmanship done without power tools...  The steps finally called to him last week... They'll be six of our benches for the wedding...  Each bench should comfortably fit 3 people.  The legs and feet of the benches are from fence posts from another property that was bulldozed near us.  He saw the wood sticking out of their trash pile and made me beeline to it.  Together the pieces are a thing of true beauty.  Warmth and rugged wear from time.

He's sold me on the quest for finding old wood.  To the point I'll turn around and drag my friends into the fray.  A couple of weekends ago my girlfriend, Sonya, was out visiting and she ended up spending a day with me grabbing all the wood from this pile that we could lift.  We hauled two full jeep loads and left them as a Valentines gift for my Mudgie.  He was thrilled to pieces until he started taking out all the nails... We have a large galvanized bucket full of them now...  :)  This wood will also be used for our wedding benches... He's estimated that he needs to make 30 to fit everyone comfortably.  He's 10% into his project with 51 days left lol.  Bill the Builder can he fix it?  Bill the Builder yes he can!!

Sonya was out for another reason that weekend.  She brought me the train from her wedding dress to make my bridesmaids bouquets with.  Everything for this wedding is either upcycled or has meaning to us.  This isn't a cookie cutter wedding.  It will be uniquely ours with help from all the friends that we love.  How blessed can two people be?

Sonya and I spent hours cutting, sewing (her), and making white roses out of part of the train.  The other part of the train was dyed red, washed, cut and made into red roses.  Each of the girls bouquets will have 10 of these flowers.  Along with brooches that either were provided to me from my mother (for my bouquet), nabbed from one of Cindy and Derrick's estate sales, picked through at Scott's with Cherie and her mom, or found at the 450 garage sale with mom, Angelia, Cherie and Sonya...  each one of these will be unique... and will have days of love put into them as I think of the person I am making them for... so grateful to have them in my life.  I'm almost done with these.  I keep finding yet one more piece to put in... but soon I'll be wrapping the stems, placing the bouquet holder on and calling it a day.

My next project will be to organize the house.  With 80+ people coming, it needs to be clean in a way it hasn't been since 2008... the day BEFORE I moved in.  Wish me luck... because the only thing that makes me do housework is term papers and I'm done with school... I know I'll find another stacked stone pile that needs to be rescued and moved to our back yard... or daffodils/iris's... or... old wood.

I'm so thankful I've got a man and close friends that get this about me...

This song goes to all of you... who make life so full of laughter and joy...  ilu