Buddha Belly Love

This morning I went for my dress fitting.  As I was getting ready to head out the door, I thought about my mental struggle to start a diet two months ago so that I could be fit and fabulous for the wedding day.  After two weeks I'd lost 5 pounds.. only to gain 3 back and then lose 2... and then I stopped dieting... and my body continued to fluctuate with those 3 pounds.. and I said screw it.  This is who I am.  He didn't meet Heather at 40 and 25 pounds less... Well he did meet me 12 pounds less but who is squabbling over the difference???  My dress is forgiving for the most part... so I grabbed a cookie to go with my coffee and I headed out the door.

Today I thought about the original plan to loose 20.  Where that stemmed from... and I went WAYYYYY back....

~  Childhood...  I remember Mariam Ali laughing at my stomach when I was in a bikini at oohhh 8?  I remember shrugging and slouching a bit more and comparing my tummy to a double cheeseburger- the rolls were the two buns and two patties.  I never had the washboard stomach as a child.  Wasn't fat... just built differently.

~  My 20's... my first husband used to always complain when I gained weight... Mind you at that point in my life I was 5'7 and 128-134 pounds... SKINNY.  He'd tell me if we had kids I had to lose the weight immediately...  He'd say this shizzle in front of his friends to the point where I finally told him to fuck off one night... and I joined a gym... Got super skinny.... 124... and walked out the door letting him see my skinny no ass self leave.

~  My 30's were all about babies... I remember laughing when I hit the scale at 194 pregnant...  After babies I stayed consistently a size 8... and I was a mommy...  there's no glam or glory to that shizzle but being a parent gives you a different perspective on life...

Cancer also gives you a different perspective on life too... It changed me.  I didn't have the rest of my life to change.  My kids dad and I sucked at being married.  I don't blame either of us.  We are two totally different people.  At the end of that marriage I spent a lot of time with a personal trainer and running to get away from the demons I was facing with the collapse of a second marriage.  I lost tons of weight... Got down to my 20's weight with lil 6 pack abs...  Got the tattoo and the belly piercing I'd always wanted... Mid life crisis much?  I was a size 4 for the first time in my life and loving being super skinny.  I continued to run well into my 40s...  and only slowed down after I injured myself running a half marathon.

~  The relationship I was in during my 40's also was with someone who wanted me super skinny.  Granted he met me during the 6 pack ab stage... and he watched the abs slowly disappear.  I couldn't afford a personal trainer anymore... and I didn't really have THAT kind of time since I was working again... Running helps keep weight off but it doesn't keep your abs tight...  He would push me to run more... and make comments about my weight from time to time... I was 138-142...  and I was looking at buying size 6s....

Flash forward to today... a man who met me and loved all of me...  I discovered the joy of cooking again and he's showing joy eating for us... I've obviously topped off at where I'm going to be on the scale if I'm going to cook and eat the way we have for the past year... and I'm coming to grips that I have zero shits to give... or not enough shits to get my running shoes on and run 3-5 miles a day again... I'd rather put my boots on... grab a donut and go junking with my Mudgie... and he's perfectly happy to do the same.  We're happy...

It comes down to this... I have spent the better part of 49 years trying to be a glam queen... I want to spend whatever time I have left doing what I enjoy and eating what I want (in moderation- I say that only because if I want pizza I only want a slice or two not a whole pizza...).   So with that said... I've ordered my "fat" uniform... I'll be wearing 8's again... and while I call it my "fat" uniform, I know it's not even fat.  I know from here on out... my abs will be MIA... and I'll be...  HAPPY.  So pass me another cookie Bill... I love you for loving ALL of me...  There's no point to me being miserable eating rabbit food for two months... only to gain it back shortly after the wedding... there's some kind of false advertising for me to be fit that day and never again... I'll be walking down the aisle exactly how you're getting me... and we'll both be happy.

... and since Kim K thinks it's "empowering" to show her naked self...  haters gonna hate... here's Mr Mudgie and Mrs (to be) and our matching happy Buddha bellies...